Finding the balance among family, work and personal pursuits is never an easy task.  As a single mother, the complexities can be underscored by the fact that you are the sole financial support of your household as well as the only adult available to the children.  The following column was submitted by a 35-year old single mother from California, Nicole Williams.  In a note attached to the submission, Nicole writes, "Thank you for your time, consideration and for giving mothers a place to speak and learn."  We would add our thanks to all of our readers and contributors for enlarging the conversation and for striving to further women's progress in all aspects of life.

Balancing Work and Life As A Single Mother
Nicole Williams, California

Initially, when I thought of work-life balance I had an illusion that it was easy.  Well, that was before I had a child.  I thought that a woman can easily conquer the world as a mother and as a woman with a career.  After I had my child, reality gave me a quick slap in the face - this is not an easy combination for women in America.  After I had my daughter, I ended up being a stay-home mom for almost a year by default,  The first time I was laid from work was a month after I returned back to work from having my daughter in 2007.  At first, I was a little relieved to have the opportunity to spend more time with my baby while I looked for a job that would provide a better financial future, since my dauther's father and I were no longer in a relationship.  What I thoght would be only a few months turned into a 10-month job search.

When I finally returned to working full-time in 2008, I did feel as if I was missing some of the most important steps in my child's life from not having any flexibility with life and work.  Outside of missing milestone events such as seeing my child do her first baby sign language gestures and missing her take her first steps without help, I was also missing the option of having even the slightest flexibility with my job.  This lack of flexibility was leaving me feeling tired and exhausted every evening.  The company I worked for would write up anyone for arriving even one minute past 8 a. m.  I was emotionally drained by  my job's constant monitoring of my daily whereabouts, and I was verbally berated weekly by a manager who treated me as if I was the competition versus a team member in the all-male sales department.  Every day I was arriving to the office for 8 am., leaving out of the office by 8:30 a.m. to drive all over the city of San Diego with work, returning back to the office by 4 p.m. for one hour to do paperwork and meet with my manager, and I was battling rush hour traffic to make it to the babysitter's before 6 p.m.  On average, we weren't getting home until around 6:30 each night.  There was absolutely no flexibility in my life.

When I was laid off again almost a year ago, I was finally able to do something that I had not been able to do before which was to feel relaxed.  I knew that my financial status was about to change for the worse, but I felt that I finally knew that there was such a thing called balance.  Every morning, I dedicated set hours to do job searches and figure out ways to reinvent my resume for each job I applied to and, for at least two hours, I dedicated spending time with my daughter.  Despite knowing that what I was receving in unemployment benefits was only a third of what I could have been making if I was working, I still felt more relaxed and happier as a person.  I felt this way only because I was actually able to spend some quality time with my toddler during each day and not just 45 minutes every night.  For the first time in a while, I actually felt like a mother again instead of just the woman who was the provider of food and shelter.

As women we can have a personal life and careers, but it is not easy to accomplish.  I know that my personal story that I have shared is not too different from many other women in this country, including some married women who are basically taking care of their children, parents, or both without much assistance from their spouse.  Trying to balance work and personal lives is challenging and often one side tips the scale just a little more than the other.  It gets down to which is more important to the women, work or family, and it's often not an easy choice.

        

We continue to receive insightful pieces from many of our readers.  The following is a recent submission from a young mother who recently made a decision to stay home.


The Work/Life Balance
by Christie Rana

Life is all about balances. That said, finding and maintaining those balances is never easy. In addition, the scale is always being altered given different life changes, primarily family and career changes. Having had three careers in my life (including being a stay-at-home-mom), and likely more to come, I feel that finding a career that best suits you and your life is all part of finding the work/life balance. It is so important to enjoy what you do, and realizing that is what made me switch from my first job on Wall Street to my second career, teaching. Though Wall Street allowed for ritzy events and solid paychecks, I envisioned a different future for myself, as I knew I wanted to be an involved mother one day. As a result, I changed to a career in teaching -- one that I thought would allow more time for me to be a mom one day, and in the meantime, found a lot of joy in the less dazzling lifestyle, appreciating the larger impact I was having on my students. When I finally had children of my own, I realized that whatever your career, there is no way to get around the fact that life is challenging as a working mom. Demands come at you from all sides -- no matter what the job, and you are constantly learning how to prioritize, and even accept that some demands simply cannot be met. Over time, I learned how to not be so disappointed in myself when I was not able to meet a demand. I found that by accepting the idea that perfection in work and/or life is at most a temporary state made me more at ease.

I had my first child in my seventh year of teaching, and my second child in (what would have been) my ninth year of teaching. Both of their births occurred during my husband's five-year surgical residency program in Boston. Needless to say, due to his work demands, he has not been able to be the involved husband/father both he and I would have hoped he would be...his time will come! Ultimately, my husband and I decided that I would stay home after the birth of our second son, during the last two years of his residency program. Our reasoning: the work involved with being a mom and teacher was not worth the salary I was making, especially given the cost of two in day care. To make matters more challenging, we do not have any family in the immediate area, so though our families have undoubtedly been a great support to us, the daily job of raising two kids has felt much like a solo venture. Don't get me wrong, first and foremost, I feel so fortunate to have this very special time with my kids, but being a parent is the most difficult job I have ever had...and yet, it is also the most rewarding! Being with my sons as they grow individually and together is the most wonderful thing to witness. (And on a personal note, I am truly impressed with all that I am able to do and manage on my own on a daily basis.)

In my opinion, having been a working mom and a stay-at-home-mom, neither is the perfect answer. And as a result, I have never and will never judge any woman for what she chooses to do; the best decision is the one she decides on for herself, that best meets the her needs and those of her family. To have the "perfect solution," I feel strongly that one needs to choose a path, and make the best of that decision with no turning back (much easier said than done). In my case, with a husband who is in his final year of residency, and two young children, staying home with our children is the best choice for us as a family, and coincidentally, for me too. I have also learned that by choosing -- not just accepting - that this is the life I want, I can naturally let go of some of the doubts and regrets I may have had along the way.    

After a year of being home, truthfully, there isn't much I regret, and I certainly wouldn't change a thing (except to have had my husband home more, and the power to have had my younger son sleep through the night earlier than he did!) And, as I look forward to knowing I have the next year home with my boys too, I know in my heart, that though I may have regretted going back to work, I will never regret staying home with my kids. As someone once said to me, at least in these precious early years, "The seconds go by slowly, but the years quickly."

Visit http://www.thenewhavingitall.com to learn more about our Work/Life Balance Writing Initiative and how you might publish a submission.

        

THE NEW HAVING IT ALL’S CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

WHAT DOES WORK-LIFE BALANCE MEAN TO YOU?

JOIN THE CONVERSATION:  JUNE 1 – AUGUST 31

 

 

Plan Ahead To Have It All:  A College Student Looks Ahead to Work and Family

 

Work-life balance is today a part of the national conversation, with intense debate among those in the White House, the media, and the classrooms.  Nonetheless, when all is said and done, work-life balance happens at the individual level, through a process of optimizing choices and planning ahead.  Individuals in the early stages of their professional lives – or at the stage of securing their education – are beginning to realize the necessity of thinking about and planning for work-life and work-family balance.  Ahead of them, they recognize inevitable crossroads:  whether to take a life partner, whether to have children, how to identify and craft a career trajectory that will mesh with their personal commitments.   Each of these choices will require individual analysis in order to create an ultimate fit.

 

The following entry was sent to us by Amy McDavitt, a 20-year old college student from Massachusetts.  We chose to publish her piece because her words reflected the growing awareness within this age group of the need to consider and plan for strategies to balance the desire for a family and for a successful career.

 

A few weeks ago, I was sitting at a school event when someone asked the girl beside me, “So, what’s your dream job?”  She blurted out something about business, more specifically being an entrepreneur, before she hit upon her response—“Being a mom.”  That statement caught me off guard. Here I was, at this Career Services dinner in my dress pants, trying to think of something intelligent to say to properly “network” with the employer across the table, and this girl had no problem saying that her ultimate dream is to be someone’s mommy.

Somewhere during the discomfort of adolescence, I went through a phase where I was positive I didn’t want to get married or have children.  I would do things on my own, I decided, and two or three pets would be more than enough company. Independence seemed paramount to achieving the high-minded career goals that seemed so very in reach before the realities of being in college, where the countdown to joining the Real World begins.  Seriously considering what I want to do after graduation, where I want to do it, and who I want around me changed my perspectives very quickly.  At the halfway point of my college career, my worry has become: how am I going to juggle it all? I have aspirations of breaking important stories, meeting new and interesting people, and asking the tough questions. However, the hectic pace and uncertain hours that accompany these don’t seem to mesh with other visions of afternoons on the swing set, hours playing dress-up, and story time before bed. That’s not to mention a spouse, a partner, someone I know inside and out and love.

For now, though, this is somewhere in the future.  For now, I’m allowed to be young and idealistic. These dreams and aspirations are somewhere in the back of my consciousness while I work towards my degree. Ultimately, at some point in the years to come, I hope to take a look at myself and find a woman who is accomplished, loved, and also the best mommy in the world (well, at least in the opinion of one or two people). The balancing will be difficult, I know, but I am willing to work hard and compromise in order to have a job I enjoy to support a family of my own.  I can’t imagine life without the industry of work or the love of someone who looks to me for everything, especially the latter.  The girl beside me at dinner had the right idea, one that my own mother has told me I will understand some day: when you finally have someone that is yours, who loves you and idolizes you and looks to you for all the answers—that is the ultimate job, more difficult and yet better than anything else.

 

 

                 

        

THE NEW HAVING IT ALL’S

WORK-LIFE BALANCE WRITING INITIATIVE

JOIN THE CONVERSATION:  June 1 – August 31

Today we post our first submission, received from L.B., a 36-year old mom of two from Massachusetts.  We look forward to receiving your writings - and thank you for taking time to share your thoughts with others.

 

Working Full-Time and Sharing the Kids with the Nanny:

L.B. writes about an issue that affects many working moms:  how to foster a caring and independent relationship between your children and your nanny without feeling that you have had your authority usurped.  While they want their children to develop loving and trusting relationships with their care-givers, many working moms fight feelings of jealousy or resentment when it appears that the nanny is sometimes “mom”. 

 

I am a mother of two kids (ages two and four) and I work full-time.  I love my work and I don’t think I would be happy at home.  Besides, we really need my income.

 

My work schedule keeps me out of the house from about 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. on weekdays.  I’m fortunate to have a nanny whom my kids adore.  A part of me, though, worries that the kids not only adore her, but love her more than me. 

 

Our nanny, Zia, was with the same family for ten years but wasn’t able to relocate with them when they had to move out of state. I spoke to the mother of that family at length and she was devastated about losing her.  I thought we were fortunate to find someone so easily, and so I hired her on the spot.  I thought we were so lucky to have found the perfect nanny.  At the beginning, I loved her as much as the kids did.  And everyone else did too – the grandparents and teachers and neighbors.

 

But then I started feeling like Zia was undermining my authority as the mother.  And that she was the real caretaker – the real mommy – and that I was the absentee mommy, or worse, not the mommy at all.  My heart aches when my kids call out her name in the middle of the night, rather than mine.  And the day my little one took her first step and I wasn’t there to see it, I thought I would die.  I feel so torn.

 

The thing is, Zia isn’t doing anything really wrong.  But she seems to find ways to remind me that I am not living up to my commitments as mother.  When Lauren (my four year old) forgot to complete her science project over a weekend, I heard Zia tell her that everything would be ok, because she was back to help her.  I feel like she is judging me. 

 

So, am I a good mother?  Why do my kids behave better for her than for me?  I guess maybe I’m ambivalent about working full time.  But I think a lot of working moms feel this way.  And I don’t want my kids to pick up on the fact that I’m conflicted.

 

When I think about the question of work-life balance, I guess it means to me that place where I can be comfortable with my decision to work.  I want my kids to know that I love them and that they mean the world to me.  And I want them to understand that part of the reason I work is so that I can help to provide for them and contribute to the household budget. 

 

My husband is very supportive and tries to understand how I feel about the kids’ relationship with Zia.  But, even though he works longer hours than I do, he doesn’t share my conflict or resentments. 

 

My goal is to get to a place where I stop focusing on the number of hours I spend with my kids and more on the quality of the time we have when we are together.  And I am working on appreciating the fact that I can trust Zia to care for my kids when I am not there, without feeling threatened by her.

 

L.B., age 36, Ashburnham, MA

 

 

 

        

THE NEW HAVING IT ALL ACCOUNCES ITS WORK-LIFE BALANCE INITIATIVE
CALLING FOR SUBMISSIONS FOR PUBLICATION

Pundits in the work-life world spend a lot of time talking about terminology.  They question whether it is more accurate to talk about "work-life balance" or "work-life fit" or "work-life integration".  Conceptually, the distinctions are important.  And I'm as much of a stickler about language as the next person, perhaps even more so.  Nevertheless, I find the time and energy expended in this particular debate to be somewhat misplaced.  In the end, I find the terms to represent something of a shorthand; a quick phraseology to indicate what is clearly a larger dilemma -- how to compose lives that function smoothly, harmoniously, efficiently and successfully -- in ways that each of us individually view those labels.

"Balance" has come under increasing scrutiny as, according to some, it reflects the need to apportion equal bits of time and energy to the various components of our lives.  That is -  assuming we say that the compartments of our lives comprise family, work, self, community - each of these is given the same expenditures each day. 

Some say "fit" is a better term, as it indicates puzzling together the pieces of our lives in a way that allows each to have a place, but the prioritizing and placement of the pieces is an individual task.  "Integration" represents a similar conceptualization, with the added gloss of expressing harmony in the fit.

I believe all of the terms can be used interchangeably, with the overriding recognition that we are talking about personal fulfillment.  Clearly, when we choose to talk about work-family balance, we are not assuming that individuals will carve days up into four nice blocks.   Rather, we are recognizing the underlying need to work at making our complex lives operate in tandem with our needs, wishes, commitments and desires.

Here is how I keep track of my time and priorities.  I have five endeavors that represent where I wish to spend my time and energy:  family, work, community and self (divided into subheadings of health and fitness/intellect and learning.   I find my fun in each of these categories; others may wish a designated line item for fun.  In any event, I keep track of where my time is spent  on a weekly basis and will analyze at week's end if any of the categories rec'd more or less energy during that particular week.  If patterns begin to occur, I can address some re-prioritizing -- with the realization that certain times are more family-intensive (vacations, summers) while others will involve more work.  I ensure that community (including friends and other social activities) and self get a little time each day.

Linguistics are important.  So are underlying issues.  Let's not spend too much time on the balance-fit-integration debate.  Rather, let's continue to strive to find ways to make our lives our own personal alls.

        

Many women have thrown themselves so heavily into one aspect of their lives - often family - that they are no longer attuned to their own passions and drives.  Passion is the great motivator in life - that which moves you, which you care about deeply, which gets you out of bed in the morning enthusiastic about the day to come.

In addition to passion, many people believe in life purpose - that each of us is on this earth for a particular reason or objective.  Purpose and passion are inherently linked - passion is the gateway to purpose; purpose cannot be achieved without passion.
"Someone once said that here are two great days in life - the day you are born and they day you discover why."

"Without a purpose in life, it is easy to get sidetraced on your life's journey.  It is easy to wander adrift, accomplishing little".  ~jack canfield.  Identifying your passion/purpose is the best way to achieve success in any realm in your life.  Purpose acts as a compass, as a point of focus.  It becomes the proverbial star that you hitch your wagon to.  It allows you to create a life lived "on purpose"; that is, focused and moving toward specific objectives.

Purpose is comprised of two elements:  Passion, that which you canre about and Strength: that which you are good at, which makes you unique.  The "what", then, is about finding your purpose/passion.  What do you care about?  What are you aiming for?  What is your overriding mission or north star?  So many women start their analysis by considering "how" - how will they return to work, how will they feel more balanced in their lives, how will they be successful?  None of these questions can be answered until the "what" is clarified.

How to identify the "what"?  Start by unearthing that which is meaningful to you - what you love to do, what you are good at, what is important to you, what you believe you can accomplish.  If it's been some time since you've considered these questions, you may need to engage in a process of self-discovery.  Consider who you want to BE, as opposed to what you want to DO.

What if you've lost the imagination to find that inner you?  What if you've disconnected with your dreams and passions, in the midst of commitments to others?

Start a journal and carry it with you during the day:  write down what you are doing when it is something you love (and note those things you absolutely detest as well)
Think back to what you used to love doing earlier in life
Try new things each day and see what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive
Get rid of fixed ideas about what you "should" be doing with your time and consider, rather, what you are doing when you lose track of time
Make time for this process every day, even if only for a few minutes
Don't get frustrated with the process; just let it happen

For your journal:
If money were no object, what would you choose to do with your life, with your time?

If time were no object?

How do I feel when I have a peak experience?

What are my unique skills?

Also -
What is it you know you do not want to do; begin a list of eliminations

Consider various methods of skills assessment and typing.  Several books on typing have been reviewed in our RoadMaps columns.

Develop a written list of options.  When you review the options, which make you feel excited; what is your visceral reaction; which energize and which enervate?

It can take a fair amount of digging to discover the passion and purpose lingering under layers of the shoulds and shouldn'ts of life.   Trust me - the "what" is there, just waiting to be found.

"You can be anything you want to if you want it badly enough.  You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."  ~abraham lincoln

        

When I see a book entitled, "You Can Have It All", it naturally grabs my attention.  This particular book is written by Mary Kay Ash (of cosmetics fame) and published in 1995.  It is a fascinating look at how women in business viewed the world and themselves during the period when women were entering the workforce in droves.  Mary Kay began her cosmetics company when she was in her mid-40's - which also lends an interesting perspective on her thoughts.  Here, then, are some of the tidbits from the book:

"Women's roles have changed more rapidly in the past decade than in any previous century.  As a result, the average working woman experiences excruciating difficulty in setting her priorities."

"To many women, the phrase having it all promises freedom.  A popular dream for the American woman is to realize great achievement in her work while fulfilling her role as a wonderful wife, mother, and homemaker.  Instead, career advancement adds responsibilities that demand more of her time, while her stress level shoots off the charts.  Those who strive to have it all discover there are too few hours in the day to operate at peak performance in an arduous full-time job and, at the same time, tend to the needs of home, husband, and children.  In their effort to emulate Superwoman, many women set incompatible goals which they naively hope to achieve simultaneously.  This relentless pace means something has to give.  Priorities have to be established."

"Have you ever noticed that some people plan their vacations more carefully than they plan their lives? ... If only they approached their lives with the same consideration, imagine how much better those lives could be.  Yet, a majority of people live from day to day, putting little thought into the future. ...I believe many people fail, not because they lack intelligence and skill, but simply because they did not concentrate their energy on a central goal."

"[T]oday's young career woman probably has an understanding with her husband.  Chances are, if they were both working full-time during their courtship, they discussed sharing the household tasks before they got married.  Before wedding vows are exchanged is the best time to negotiate the arrangement, spelling out who will do what when they begin keeping house.  ... With an understanding from the beginning that they maintain throughout their marriage, husband and wife can work as co-captains of an efficient, satisfying team."

"During interviews, don't be shy about asking direct questions regarding management's policies on [workplace flexibility] issues."

And, finally, quoting Napoleon Hill,

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

And that about sums up Mary Kay's credo for having it all.  Funny thing is, in many ways (putting aside the outmoded notions about women and homemaking),  it looks a lot like ours.

        

Did any of our readers watch the Nightline piece last week about single black women?  Entitled "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?", the piece was nothing if not controversial.

According to the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education, at least 60 percent of black students who get awarded college degrees are women.  Black women make up 71 percent of  black grad students.  At the same time, a recent study out of Yale indicates that 42 percent of African-American women are single - while 23 percent of Caucasian women have that status.

So, Nightline decided to create a debate on the numbers for its "FaceOff" series, where two sides argue an issue point/counterpoint.  On one side of the debate were single, black women who were not single by choice.  These women argued that demographics (the 2000 US Census shows there are 1.8 million more African-American women than men), unfaithful partners, intimidation and stereotyping play large roles in why there are more single black women. 

On the other side of the debate were two black men who argued what they called the "Denzel Principle" - that black women have standards for potential mates that are so high as to be unattainable.

The discussion really centered, then, on how black women and men could better communicate; could find their ways to partnering.

And, yet much of the discussion outside of the show had to do with the assumption that these women want to partner.  What, these commentators ask, makes us assume that women are not happy being single?  Why do we, in this culture, demand that every woman want a man?

As the historical reasons for marriage -- financial security, familial liaisons, political power -- fall by the wayside, we may question the basis for lifetime partnering.  And - in cases where bearing children is not part of the analysis - the presumption toward marriage or long-term partnering may be judged to be archaic.

Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?  Maybe she doesn't want to.

        

Last week we saw the passing of a great champion in the women's and civil rights arenas.  Rather than reiterate here Dorothy Height's biography, I thought it might be more relevant to reprint some of her words of wisdom.   These words from a woman who gave 50 years of her life to building community, fighting for justice, and teaching others:

"Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his/her goals."

"I want to be remembered as someone who used herself and anything she could touch to work for justice and freedom ... I want to be remembered as one who tried."

"As more women enter public life, I see developing a more humane society.  The growth and development of children no longer will depend solely upon the status of their parents.  Once again, the community as the extended family will rekindle its caring and nurturing.   Though children cannot vote, their interests will be placed high on the political agenda.  For they are indeed the future."

"We have to improve life, not just for those who have the most skills and those who know how to manipulate the system.  But also for and with those who often have so much to give but never get the opportunity."

Don't let us be lulled into thinking that all is well for women in this country, this culture, at this moment in time.  Though the struggles of feminism have caused many doors to open for women, there remain daily episodes of violence, trafficking, innuendo, and blatant discrimination.   Dorothy Height lived her life with one purpose - to fight injustice.  She spoke it every chance she got.  If each of us can make a point once each day to take an action or make a statement in support of women - their choices, their place in society, their different-ness from men and yet their equality - we will have lived the purpose as well.

        

At 50 years old, Louise Richardson has certainly earned the right to be called a successful woman.  As a dean at Harvard, she transformed Radcliffe into an internationally-regarded institute.  Last year, she accepted appointment as the first female chancellor of the ancient Scottish university, St Andrews.  And - she is married with three children.  Reading her curriculum vitae can cause some of us (ok, me) to question what I've been doing with all of my time in life...

Yet, we take a glimpse into her life not to question what may be our lesser accomplishments, but rather to recognize the inherent sameness of women throughout the world.  Here's an example.  At St Andrews, women are not permitted to use the world-renowned golf facilities - not even if that woman heads the university.  When asked about this, Dr. Richardson says, "I'm not saying it's simply rampant sexism out there - it's a complex world.  But I think women face particular barriers: the difficulties that women face trying to balance child-bearing and child-raising, and the coincidence of timing between the tenure clock and the biological clock".  Nice to know that the inevitable tensions between biology and ambition are noted and shared.

Dr. Richardson is not just talking about abstract concepts, here.  She had to deal with uprooting and transitioning three children when she left Cambridge MA and moved to Scotland.  She chose to place her youngest child - 14 - in boarding school, knowing that her new appointment would have her working around the clock.  She left her husband and middle child back in the States, in order to finish high school.  Her eldest is in college.

In the story of her background, too, we find more commonalities than the differences we might expect in one so accomplished.  Dr. Richardson grew up in Ireland and was the first in her family to go to college.  A Rotary Fellowship that she gained while still studying at Trinity College changed the direction of her life - it took her to UCLA, and then on a 3-month tour of the US, where she talked about the Northern Ireland situation and what she had learned during her time in America.  Her love of the States brought her to Harvard post-grad, where she remained until taking the job at St. Andrews.

What strikes me in reading about her life is the element of focus in her work:  having grown up in the context of "the troubles", she became interested at an early age in issues of terrorism.  And she knew she wanted to pursue education.   "In my book", she says, "education is worth spending money on over and above practically everything else".

Moral of the story?  Find your focus; what some call "your purpose".  Train your eye on it with laser-like intensity.  It will become the compass for your thoughts, actions, energies.  Know what you care about; what you believe in; what you are good at.  Life can be a distracted meandering or it can be a intentional adventure.